Ha Jin's "The Bridegroom"

I do not think I've ever read a story so completely homophobic like this one. This was a very weird story that seemed very unrealistic or one that took place in the time of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, maybe from the whole electric bath thing.

The man in the story, who remains nameless, takes over the care of a longtime friend's daughter when he passes. Throughout the story he picks on her figure and then when a man named Huang Baowen wants to marry Beina, he is hesitant. I guess Baowen's randomness would be a legit reason to be worried about his adopted daughter's feelings, but he didn't really seem as though he cared too much when presented with a few gifts.

"Sometimes I couldn't help wondering why Baowen had fallen for Beina" (92). I just think this is mean. It just seems like he should have accepted that his "daughter" was happy, regardless of if her husband was homosexual or not. That's what a real father would do, and that is the position he was supposed to play.

I don't know the best way to organize my thoughts on this story, so I'll just take the lines that stood out to me and break them down in order of occurrence.

"Whenever I heard that somebody had divorced, I'd feel a sudden flutter of panic" (92). This is ironically funny to me. He was so worried about a divorce that the thought of homosexuality never ran through his mind. Also, he "believed that if it (a marriage) survived the first two years, it might last decades" (93), but at the end of this story it is reaching a year; and, although they want to see it to survive, due to his personal shame, he did not.

I loved the realism of the working scene office drama when the narrator states that "it seemed that they were determined to wreck Beina's marriage" (93).

One of my favorite lines in the story was: "I figured Baowen must have been involved in a major

crime--either an orgy or a gang rape" (94). Since he considers those major crimes, this suggests that he comes from a rather innocent or naiive background. Then on the next page, homosexuality is described as "a social disease, like gambling, or prostitution, or syphilis". In whatever time period this, they were less accepting of homosexuality and did not really understand it.

I love when courses can relate to each other. In my history class, we just learned about the bourgeois lifestyle mentioned on 96 versus the lifestyle of the working class.

"I wanted to make sure, so that I could help him" (97). This upsets me. So, if he had done anything sexual with another man, he wouldn't have helped him? It's people like this that continue to hold back society from progressing. On the next page, I found this interesting: "Once he became a criminal, he'd be marked forever as an enemy of society, no longer redeemable. Even his children would suffer. I ought to save him" (98). MTV's award winning show True Life just had an episode entitled True Life: I Have a Parent in Jail or something to that effect, and I wasn't able to catch it; but, I think this is one of the most realistic lines in the whole story. Society looks at criminals with what I call a "side eye". The mere thought of a criminal in a workplace just brings notions to one's mind. Once you have that record, it's hard and nearly impossible to recover and become a working member of your community. That's why most criminals return to jail. And the absence of a parental figure in the life of a child, that damage is already known.

"He'll never have a lifestyle problem" (101). When I first read this, I instantly thought.."isn't having a gay husband a lifestyle problem", but my point was proven with further reading. I think this quote is being used to examine the male American figure. Just about everyday, some famous person is admitting their infidelities. If it's not a celebrity, it's a political figure. America even has talk shows dedicated to the confessions of unfaithfulness. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I think this also goes to show why America's divorce rate is so high compared to other nations around the world. I value a faithful man, but I don't know if I would prefer a homosexual husband over one that cheats. It seems like a sticky situation.

"I didn't touch the milk, unsure whether homosexuality was communicable" (109). This was funny, seeing as his daughter just drank before him out of the same cup. Homophobic much?

I thought it was crazy how they had spent "over three thousand yuan" in order to cure him of something that was incurable. How did they not know that homosexuality was not an illness? I'm just confused. And that figure that "one out of a thousand homosexuals" was cured. Hahaha. Someone decided to be bisexual.

"It's impossible for me to have a criminal as my son-in-law. I've been humiliated enough" (115). This one sentence sums up the adopted father's personality. He asks his daughter to divorce her husband and tells her he is not worth waiting for when he previously mentioned that the thought of divorce made his heart panic. Now, when his reputation is in jeopardy, he does not seem to care and is willing to abandon his daughter as if his responsibility was based on his availability. The poor girl probably suffered a long time due to his making her choose: "if you want to wait for him, don't come see me again"(115).

"Orbiting"

I liked "Orbiting" much more than "A Wife's Story". It was a very casual read. It reminds me of two stories we read in class about what happens after you leave your parents home. The parents are trying to see what the child has made of him or herself, and in this story the father is the accuser. "You don't even own a dining table" the father states. And the narrator daughter thinks "He uses "even" a lot around me. Not just a judgment, but a comparative judgment". This echoes for the remainder of his visit.

In this story, I felt like everyone was running away from who they really were. Either that or they were in a constant state of moving or changing, "orbiting". The main character, Renata and her sister change their names. So does her brother-in-law. Names like "Vic" and "Ro" are shortened. Brent left his Amish community behind in Iowa, and Ro left Afghanistan in order to save his life. Vic also leaves Renata and states in an argument "I need help because I want to get out of Jersey?" Fleeing seems to be an underlying theme throughout the story.

One thing I didn't like was the fact that the main character kept bringing up Vic. I felt that she was disrespected by him with his leaving and his simple demanding of the car keys. But, then again, I felt that he had taught her or made her everything she owned: "Vic made them himself, and I used to think they were perfect blue jewels" and another statement exemplifies this: "Vic found the screen at a country auction in the Adirondacks" (67). So, maybe Vic had a right to just up and leave with the van? I also thought it was quite ironic that Ro had keys to the house, but Vic didn't have keys to the car and he looked like he was "ready for other commitments" (57).

Renata seems quite desperate. It's as if she always needs someone around her, and she is very dependent. Who else would call and wait for the phone to ring seventeen times? On top of that, she needs Ro to bring her a dining room table and is having a not-so-classy potluck Thanksgiving dinner. Basically, she is struggling. I find it comical yet extremely caring that she wants to help Ro by giving him the ultimate gift of citizenship through marriage, but I don't understand how she believes she will show him such an American life when she is barely living one herself.

One of two very important lines that stuck out to me from this lengthy story were: "I feel I am looking at America through the wrong end of a telescope" and "He married down, she married well. That's the family story" (66). The first line is from the thoughts of the main character. Seeing life from her lover's point of view is not the same as being an insider. She removes herself from the crowd, and places herself in the outsider position to understand where he is coming from. I think this is important, because if they ever decide to get married she would have to constantly think about ideas and opinions from multiple vantage points. The other quote also found on page 66 is one that all married people will have to eventually face. In most situations, financially someone is more well off than the other spouse. And people will always be quick to judge or say that the wealthier person "married down" while the other "married well". Two phrases I hate.

Also, Ro is very well-cultured and quite established, and Renata knows this, but it is very hard for him to show or prove this. I feel that is why he was just rambling off when they were putting the dining table together. I love the line that says "he could make monkeys out of us all, but they think he's a retard" (72), and the funny thing is that the only person truly fascinated with him besides Renata, is Franny, Brent's daughter from another woman.

Although this story lacks adequate transitions, it is full of risque language and symbolism through scars, which I enjoy.

A Wife's Story and American Dreamer (with sprinkles of Brenda's own thoughts).

In-class poem from a while back:

People strive for one of three things in life: Jesus, jobs, or justice.
But the bitterness and despair obliterates the light at the end of the tunnel that encompasses the three leaving an endless pit of darkness. But, I am happy.

So my demise lies in the skies, not within the anger I have for my boss--who lacks a job. My life is fairer than the skin of the one you left me for--how's yours? I was just wondering, because my perception of you is still confused by your devilish smile. And though I would have loved the situation to turn out differently, it didn't. Now I'm faced with the job of loving someone I have no respect for. Are you sad? I hope not. I hope you find Jesus. I did. I mean, I hope you get that job. I did. Sorry, I mean, I hope life treats you fairly. Because, I am happy.

I don't judge...maybe I do. To each his own, right?

(now that I re-read, it wasn't that great. oh well.)

Few comments on the ending of The Stone Reader:

As we passed the book around, I wanted to open two random pages and just start reading. I ended up opening the same page twice. One phrase stood out: "perfect nightmares". I have been thinking about this oxymoron since I left class. Is it even an oxymoron? I don't know. Just not the way I have ever heard a nightmare described. Anyway, about the movie. I love how Mossman stated that to the reader the book might be finished, but to him the story could continue on which leaves me thinking, why not just write a part two? I think people with his sort of "autistic" mindset are incredible thinkers and to hear them explain different scenarios is mind-boggling. It reminds me of the movie "A Beautiful Mind" about John Nash Jr. but on a different level, seeing as Mossman wasn't a schizophrenic.

as for the real assignment:

(I hope nobody takes offense, I feel strongly about the semi-controversial topic of hyphenations.)

So, which came first "American Dreamer" or "A Wife's Story"? I don't know, but I'll examine "American Dreamer" first because it gives the reader a sort of look into Mukherjee's life. Before the actual text even begins, the italicized text makes me realize something I had never thought of. "I am an American, not an Asian-American." Wow! Before I let the author explain herself, I am going to target this from so many different angles. First, being a Nigerian-American to me always makes me proud. It's like finding a buy one, get one free sale on your favorite cookies at BI-LO! But, maybe my situation is different because I was born here. Now, if you asked my father, who was born in Nigeria and had to "prove to the US government" like Mukherjee that he would be a law-abiding citizen, on any given day I believe he would claim his Nigerian identity. It makes him different. But in the presence of government forms, he is definitely an American (don't try and tell him he has an accent after living here 21+ years!). Secondly, being a Nigerian-American would classify me as an African-American, which in America is the friendlier version of black. But when I feel the need to be specially categorized, I prefer black over African-American, and I can't say that I have never chosen other and written in black while African-American was a choice. More on this later.

Who knew so much was going on in Iowa?

This "hierarchical, classification-obsessed society" is what I hear about all the time. From my parents, to my Asian friends back home. "A Hindu Indian's last name announced his or her forefathers' caste and place of origin." In most of the world, the last name tells it all. Watching basketball games with my parents and hearing names like Andre Iguodala would start a huge conversation. They start yelling what tribe his parents must be from and how much money they know his father has. It gets crazy. One's name and reputation are extremely valued. It must have been discouraging for the author knowing that "to remove oneself from Bengal was to dilute true culture". In Nigeria, everyone wants to escape to the US, but maybe this was not the case because they lived an "upper-middle-class life in Bengal". She was trying to "negotiate the no man's land between the country of [her] past and the continent of [her] present". Great symbolism! The paragraph stating "I am a naturalized U.S. citizen...not by simple accident of birth" rubs me the wrong way. I guess because my parents were "economic refugees" as she would call it. But, it's good that she loves America so much that she just happily left a good life in India to pursue a lifestyle here. But, part of me doesn't believe this paragraph. I do agree with the statements that come afterword.

Her opinions on the "phantom "us" against a demonized "them"' reminds me of one of the men that Chris Offutt caught a ride with. I think it's funny how globalization works. To me, America lacks culture. As for past decades, there was a tad bit of our own "sense of style", but now I think we are just made up of a little bit of everyone else's culture. While everyone wants to be like us, we are trying to be like them. I've had many discussions like this in my political science class. It's simply because the world comes to America and happens to leave its mark. I agree with her cautiousness of the "us" vs. "them" mentality. It has caused a lot of problems in not only American history, but world history.

One last point to hit: "Why is it that hyphenation is imposed only on nonwhite Americans?" Believe it or not this statement rocked Clemson's campus nearly two weeks ago. On Facebook, where most students get invited to any on-campus event, an open-ended invitation was sent out to everyone inviting them to the first Clemson Black Student Union mixer. The CBSU was not created to spite any non-black person and non-blacks were invited to the event. But, a student took it upon himself to create an event that stated "for every all black event, [he] would create an all white event". This started an uproar with threats and everything. I was shocked. He even mentioned things like retribution for slavery, and all the creators of the original event wanted to do was help students have a chance to come together at a predominately white university. Futhermore, he mentioned that there were no "true" African-Americans on campus, and that's when I had to express my feelings. He claims that African-Americans should drop the African hyphenation in order to fully embrace their American pride. So the question is: is it imposed on nonwhites or do nonwhites choose it? I think everyone has the ability to choose what they prefer. I like the fact that she stands up for what she believes she has "earned". And in America, she has the right to define herself in any way.

In "A Wife's Story", I cannot say I was not a fan of the immediate dislike of "Glengarry Glen Ross". Maybe her reaction was a little more exaggerated as far as writing the author, but I would take offense as well, especially if I was of the ethnicities mentioned in the play. I would not pay "eighteen dollars to be insulted" (26). I completely understand the ideas portrayed by the character and her pure malice towards "the tyranny of the American dream that scares [her]" (26). As an insider, it is easy to say "insult...is a kind of acceptance", but from the outsiders point of view, it makes them stick out more. On page 27 she describes herself: "My manners are exquisite, my feelings are delicate, my gestures refined, my moods undectable". Maybe that's why her and her husband's relationship seemed so distant. It's as if he is just wanting to see everything like an American tourist and not even caring how she lives or what it has taken to get so acquainted with the country. It seems at times as if he does not appreciate her or what she has accomplished when he simply asks her to come back to India.

I feel her pain, knowing "how both sides feel" (27). She simply just wants to hate one side in order to give all of her love to the other. The main character mentions generational limits that she has progressed through, her grandmother being illiterate. She addresses the American naiive mind that thinks "Indians eat monkey brains" and states how her oriental roommate had her eyes fixed--more globalization? Then on top of that, she states how in America she is "a model with high ambitions. In India, she'd be a flat-chested old maid" (30). Another example of the American dream and how it could change someone's life. An ironic juxtaposition is hidden in the story. Her husband sends her into the office to buy the tickets because "he has come to feel Americans don't understand his accent" (35) then later on when he picks up the phone he says "I am not understanding these Negro people's accents" (40). This just goes to show that anywhere, people will make fun of those that are different from themselves.

The wife is in a odd predicament. She is living in a world so different from the one she used to know, and a husband she barely knows wants her to come back to a world that she is no longer used to. I do not understand the ending of the story. I think she was unfaithful in the relationship, but I'm not positive. I can't wait until the class discussion on this one!

Here's another random poem, I threw it together a week ago and it almost relates to the story and the lack of real relationship but not from the same reasoning (read like a slam):

The hospital is might close to the club.

The club where a booty shakes like the ground in Haiti, where alcohol consumption consumes the minds of many.
The hospital where fighting in the ring against the red with the blood of Him is the only option. Unless you believe in luck. That’s where the ladybugs come in. They say they came in with the flowers, yet they never left. Don’t kill, just vacuum. Flowers die, ladybugs don't. The beeping is constant, always. Some machine or some body failing. Giving up, giving in to the darkness.
Struggle.
Fight.
Lose. But I hope you win.
If not, he’ll go back to that club. Where gin mixed with rum makes a bastard of Carolina. And that bastard keeps the door open until 7 in the morning to sit around with the addicts that don’t have families like his own. The next day he returns without a dollar to his name, yet he complains.
And she is still in the hospital fighting.

The Stone Reader: Part One-The First Stone

This movie definitely needs a name to pop up when different people are interviewed, because my spelling is awful. I'll try them phonetically. I never get the name of the guy that is on this quest, we'll just call him...

Robert.

Ok, so Robert was told somewhere that "The Stone Reader" was the milestone book of 1972. He probably read it in the non-front page New York times review by Professor Seally. Robert proclaims that reading keeps him sane and that the book is a place within a place. As his season as a campaign worker comes to a close, and he sees that his father is losing his leg to diabetes, Robert's journey begins. He wants to buy all the copies of "The Stone Reader", and, in that, talk to someone who has read the book about the book itself and the author, Dow Maussman, who only had that one novel published. The problem is that nobody else has read the book, except for the professor that wrote the original review.

All the people he interviewed were reminiscing about their childhood days and seeing if they could remember their first book. My notes are really not organized, but it says that someone named Puzo stated that "reading was not relevant". Furthering that, someone else states "because it is a great book, doesn't mean you have to like it"? I do not believe that reading is not relevant. It's relevant to the writer and maybe to the person reading, it is based upon life experiences and if you feel a connection with the author. Reading must be relevant in today's society. Only the best readers have the best vocabularies. But, I do agree with the latter phrase. I have heard some people talk about a book that is supposedly so great, and then when I read it I'm left standing there saying "Where was the great part"? It might be well written, but that does not mean that I like it as well--eye of the beholder, right?

I am actually worried about Robert, especially when he says the "voice behind the pages was a friend". I think he is a little obsessed. He is having people search for the author in different areas and trying to contact people that may know him for the simple fact that he only wrote one novel. While this is a big deal to him, it may have just been some feelings that the author needed to vent about, he could no longer care. It bothers me that he is so determined to find him. I think that Robert saw his life, or, at least, a glimpse of his life in this novel and is maybe looking for the continuation of his story.

I don't know if these were supposed to be longer. I didn't know what else to comment on.

The Same River Twice: section three.

Is it just me or was this section boring?

I am easily bored with a story that does not progress. This section was easily the same as the last without the circus but add a lesbian couple. Chris in his former life is still not dating, he cannot keep a job, and he will not start writing. In his present life, he keeps resorting to nature with overly detailed descriptions of the woods.

In the first few pages, which is in the present, he starts speaking of humanity in comparison with animals. This is continued throughout the rest of the section. "As we lost our animal instincts, we replaced them with the veils of reason, love, superstition, and hope. No fox ever hoped for gender. Only humanity hopes, which makes us the most hopeless" (112). I like this quote. I think it refers to setting oneself up for disappoint when you have hopes. But, can animals hope? I don't think they have time for all that. They are more focused on self and how they will survive another day. But at the end of the passage, Offutt talks about dreams: "Trees dream about the death of an ax. The snowflake dreams of finding its twin" (114). I can't tell if this would be a counterargument to his first claim. I always thought hopes and dreams were paired together.

Shadrack is introduced in the past section that follows. I think he is a good friend for Offutt, and that he will ultimately get him on the right track with life. He calls them "inverted Siamese twins, connected at the intellect". That's quite clever, seeing as, Offutt "had quit painting to write, and he [Shadrack] was a poet who now painted" (115). I love their relationship described as the "knowing he either owed me money or would lend me some took the edge off hunger and despair.." (116). In fact, it reminds me of an old guy friend named Courtney. For some reason, everytime I needed money, he would spot me and vice versa. We never kept up with who owed whom what, but I knew that if I needed money for whatever reason, he would have my back. I don't speak to him anymore, have no clue what he is doing with his life, but I thoroughly enjoyed that...partnership? Shadrack also tried to hook Offutt up with the ladies. But to him and myself as well "the whole courtship dance seemed archaic, silly, and expensive" (117). After Shadrack took off with a woman for "Joseph's sake" which was quite hysterical, Offutt showed his alcholic side to the bartender. He order some drink that supposedly only the privileged drank. Knowing he was not of the elite, the next morning he woke up in a baseball field. Can someone say wild night? His younger, intellectual, professional brother decided to come pick him up for his wedding. They get in an argument "that lasted the next several years" (122). Isn't it crazy how when an argument starts that you never know how long you will stay upset? Or the next time you will speak to that person? I think it is one of the craziest things and that is when many people die, when an argument that was maybe petty had never been resolved. After the marriage of Dane to Ellen, Offutt states that "her family lost on all fronts" (126) which suggests how he truly feels about his family that they have nothing to bring to the table.

Jumping back to the present, Offutt is becoming increasingly selfish! He bluntly states at the bottom of page 129 when contemplating which is worse: losing his wife or raising a baby alone, "I want her alive to make life easier for me". This is furthered with him actually self-proclaiming his selfishness: "I become conscious of the self, which marks the fearing of death, our fatal flaw" (131).

Shadrack refuses to take him in and Offutt has to live in a rooming house. At this point, I stopped actively reading. But a few things still stood out enough for me to underline. He "exploits the oppressor" which I feel is a nice way of describing how hard it is to survive on one's own two feet. Not that I have had that experience, but I understand. Shadrack is such a good friend and wants to help Chris better in his hygiene as well as his work. He simply says " 'Now leave me alone...go write' " (145) and disappears. I love it.

In the last section of the day's reading, the only thing I underlined was "I have never owned a watch" (151). A simple sentence that says so much. If one is unable to keep track of time, he or she is bound to get lost within the calendar. What he thinks was yesterday might have been two weeks ago, and he continues to waste his life away. This reminds me of a quote that I live by: "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail". I always need a plan. A daily one that breaks down the hours of the day. If I am not doing something productive, time is wasted. I think Offutt has proven that he is not unable to work hard, but he just refuses to. He quits when things get tough and that is not a good life to live.

Will post edited version of in-class poem later :)

The Same River Twice: second section

Overall, this section of reading proved that Chris is steadily becoming more and more ready to start parenthood, while in the past he is still trying to find himself.

The first few pages starts in the present, revealing some of the meaning behind the title of the book. "Sediment drifts away and it occurs to me that you can't even step on the same bank twice. Each footstep alters the earth" (55). When I first heard the title of this book, I thought it was a journey of a man who spent his life travelling, but never visited the same river twice. But, I know everyone has had that feeling at the beach in which your feet become heavily buried in the sand beneath the water. Where does this sand drift to? Where does it land? The river would never again have the same composition. That is some deep thinking. I love it. I wonder if expectant fathers really do think about things like this: "If it turns out to be a terrorist, the fault will be environmental, not genetic" (58). Just the mere thought of your unborn child being a terrorist is a little far-fetched, but I assume that would be a natural worry as to what kind of social life your child would have when they are older. I didn't really understand the Oedipus analysis near the end of this section, but it was a play I enjoyed in high school.

"Lacking plan or destination, I was at last content" (59). It seems as though when people, especially me, make plans, they always fall through and then disappointment sets in. I have learned that in college, I do not need a plan or destination to be happy. I am simply appreciating life for what it is. There were a lot of witty lines throughout the flashback--things like: "[s]he raised us, but Dad controlled us", "[d]uring cold weather bums and birds headed south". I just like how Offutt could be so realistic with his choice of words. One particular line that caught my attention was the homosexual, black guy in Nebraska. He said this: "[my] single regret was being born black in the South" (66). I have heard this somewhere, not in this context, but those words triggered a vague memory. Another thought-provoking line was found on page 68. "From my vantage alone in the Rockies, centrality always seemed elsewhere". First, standing alone in a landform such as the Rockies is humbling all by itself. Secondly, everyone's perception in life is different. From different vantage points, we all have a different central life focus. We have one major life goal, and we get through each day just to see the reward of the major goal. Sometimes we lose sight of that goal, and "wonder if [we are] actually running away, not toward" (71). When living a life where your "brother and sister are also [your] cousins" (70) you might want to explore and live on the edge.

The biblical references from pages 72-76 are quite controversial. I do not know if I completely agree with them, especially in Offutt's choice of words here: "even God let his son die" (73). I do not like the use of the word "let". But, hey it's his book, and his opinion. I feel that he is disrespecting Christianity on page 75 when he says that "Jesus performed the dream of many men". This might affect how I view the rest of the memoir.

It's quite ironic how after the whole disregard to Christianity, he picks up Al. During this part of the memoir is when I asked myself if all of this truly happened or if it was an exaggeration like we talked about in class. Al said alot of important things, but the most important was " 'Don't trust men who smoke a pipe' " (80). And what does Chris do? Haha. More on that later. But, I also thought it was maybe a hint of foreshadowing when the purebred spider "crawl[ed] back into the safety of its glass chapel". Winner was the next guy that gave him a ride. Although, I am not sure if it was smoked in a pipe, he was still addicted to crystal Meth. Winner was a definite loser! He had "liberation pills" ready to take his life at any moment, was putting on some lie about a scooter for his mom, and was a racist. But, Chris is weary about Winner grouping them in the same category under one word: "us". This simple two letter word was "the most frightening word heard uttered in a lifetime of conversation with strangers" (84). Strangers, people that he did not know from Adam, were all of a sudden saying "us" as if they had been friends since the sandbox. Can you say awkward? I love the paragraph following this, though. It is beautifully written, especially: "Us implied a tem, and all thems were ripe for destruction". This must have been my favorite section, because I have more. Chris goes to the homeless shelter, where he states that: "all of us denied that we were truly homeless. Every converstation began with the past success, then skipped to the future. The present was never mentioned...Talk was defense" (85). This is something people do all the time! About relationships or finances or whatever have you. I'm glad someone has put this into words so honestly. "Morality was trivial" (86). Wow. That got my attention. After thinking someone was picking up his artwork to glorify it, then watching the man put it in the garbage, I would be down on life as well.

Barney didn't smoke tobacco, but he sure did chew it. What is up with Chris and these drug abusers? I personally think he should listen to Al even though he is a little radical. I am not a fan of this whole circus section with the Parrot Lady and male genitals. It was a bore. But, I did like the oxymoron dropped on page 94 "complex simplicity". I may have to use that one day. After quitting the job, Chris has accomplished nothing, because he is still searching for himself. He knows that he doesn't belong in any particular group, now all he has to do is find middle ground.